The person may not even remember the incidents in question from memory, but others may remember them quite well. What comes up may be feelings of guilt, shame, or something else entirely. The theme of making amends is forgiveness, and although it is one of the steps people may not like, it comes at this point in the AA journey for a reason. It means the person has come to a point where they are ready to move forward through this step, but it takes some finesse to do it without causing more harm to loved ones.
Preparing for Making Amends in AA
Joi Honer directs the operations that support our alumni in their recovery from mental health and substance use disorders. Ms. Honer, who has been in long-term recovery for over 40 years, has worked in the treatment field for over 33 years. She holds certifications in addiction and co-occurring disorder counseling and a bachelor’s degree in addiction studies, having graduated summa cum laude. While making amends can be healing, the outcome is not always predictable. Your actions alone may bring you a sense of peace, whether a person accepts you amends or not. Working through Step 9 allows you to move forward, regardless of how others respond.
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“Living amends” is about making daily changes, walking the walk, and showing a true commitment to everyone around. True changes show that the person is serious and is working little by little to shift towards a positive space with all involved. It is worth it to cross the bridge on the journey of healing towards making amends. It does not mean it will all go smoothly but at least being sincere and honest will go a long way towards reconciling those important family relationships. Hurting the ones you love is a common result of behaviors related to addiction. Your past drinking or drug use has shaped your relationships with family members for years now, and just starting recovery isn’t enough to repair the damage done.
How do I make amends with my family?
Willingness to make amends is crucial for carrying out Step 9 effectively and initiating the reconciliation process. Accepting outcomes and working towards rebuilding relationships fosters closure and forward movement in recovery. Making amends allows us to correct mistakes and show that we are not defined by your disease.
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Addiction has the ability to irrevocably sever the most intimate bonds of family and friendship. Whether your goal is to amend a family relationship, a work relationship, or to humble yourself living amends before others whom you have offended, making amends is an important step toward rectifying a broken situation. There are many profound differences between giving someone an apology and making amends with them.
Our Eighth Step list was our practical preparation for working Step Nine. As we go into this step we must remember to stay connected to a higher power and have faith that the previous eight steps have prepared us to work the Ninth Step. For many, it’s tempting to make amends as soon as possible to “get it out of the way,” but it’s advisable that you take your time to prepare yourself first.
Understanding the harm you caused the people in your life is critical for reflecting on your addiction. Making a living amends involves apologizing to your loved ones that you hurt and using your actions to prove you have changed and are committed to living a healthier and sober lifestyle. At Recreate Life Counseling, we understand that Step 9 is more than just an apology—it’s a transformative process that fosters healing and personal growth. Our comprehensive addiction treatment programs support individuals through each stage of recovery, including the challenging yet rewarding journey of making amends. Taking Substance abuse this courageous step not only mends relationships but also reinforces one’s commitment to a life free from substance use.
Making Indirect Amends
It’s essential to recognize that making amends involves recognizing and admitting the harm done, which can be a tough emotional hurdle. Managing emotional responses without anger or defensiveness helps handle these challenges. An alcoholic in recovery first creates the list of individuals they have harmed during step eight and then divides the list into four categories. The four categories determine the manner in which the recovering alcoholic will express their amends.
- Even concrete steps like repaying a debt aren’t done once you hand money over; you also have to avoid betraying that person in the future.
- And finally, we are very aware that in order to keep this feeling of freedom, we’ll need to keep on applying what we’ve learned while working the steps.
- We often remember pain because it hurts, but we forget about the pain we have caused others.
- Additionally, individual therapy can aid in accepting responses from others.
- For example, contacting someone you’ve harmed may exacerbate their distress, especially in severe cases like drunk driving.
- This process can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself.
- Rather, I was allowing those things to fester inside of me, which was keeping a wall between God and me.
- Many recovery programs suggest doing so within the framework of support provided during treatment.
- By doing so, you’re preparing yourself for the next relationships in your life and becoming able to be a reliable friend to new people.
- For any and all suggestions, comments, or questions, please contact Mental Health America.
- The wrong could have involved stealing, lying, causing damage to someone’s property, hurting someone, or something else.
- Sitting down with someone to own up to your mistakes and apologize takes a lot of courage.
It’s possible that the other person is unaware of the harm you have caused them, and making direct amends would make them aware and hurt them badly. If making amends requires the recovering alcoholic to report a past crime, they must be willing to go to jail to complete this step on their road to a complete and limitless recovery. From the steps leading up to nine, recovering alcoholics begin to develop tools to handle stressful situations without liquor and believe in a Higher Power greater than themselves. How you start these conversations depends on your relationship with the person you harmed and the circumstances in which you plan to make direct amends. When making direct amends, it is usually best to do so after a sustained period of sobriety and while in a calm state of mind. However, even if you feel extremely motivated to make direct amends, it is advisable to take your time with this step.